Self-image

I just commented on a thread about self-image on LBT that's got me thinking on this again. I'm going to cross-post some of it here and then some, to get it all out of my head for a bit.

I remember feeling fat in a size 14, size 12, even though I can't wait to get back in those sizes now.

I look in the mirror and still see the same thing I saw 58 pounds ago. I'm not sure when the difference will click, but it's definitely not yet.

I still hate the way I look in photos, and can't see a difference there either. Fat arms, fat face, etc. Sure, the clothes are getting baggier and the number on the scale is getting smaller. But my brain is still stuck where it was. boo.

Not long ago, I found a Weight Watchers food/weigh-in log from when I was about 19 -- and at my smallest weight ever as an adult. I was 163 pounds, and obviously, those 13 pounds were way too many and I still saw myself as fat then.

I hope that someday I can wrap my brain around myself as a woman who is NOT overweight. That's something I've never been, even though I've been close.

Making the changes in my diet and relationship with food hasn't been TOO rough. Making changes in my relationship with my body may well be the hardest part of this whole thing for the long haul.

I'm one of those weirdos that doesn't like getting the attention from guys. Not at all, unless I am specifically in a setting where that is expected, like a bar or non-family-friendly party. So, the smaller I get, the more likely I am to wear too-big t-shirts and my spouse's button-ups as topshirts. I get more "butch" the slimmer I become, and it's always been like that. I have had people ask me if I have past abuse issues or the like that make me so avoidant of the male attention.

Nope. I just don't know how to say no to it. I went through periods in my past when the way I dealt with male attention was to be more promiscuous. Now, I know that's actually a common thing that happens to some people when they lose a lot of weight. I don't want to go back to that, it was unsatisfying in many ways. But I don't know how to gracefully flirt without the promise of it leading somewhere. So I just try to avoid the situation altogether. Getting dolled up to go to a bar or club with friends or my spouse is one thing, that I can do for some reason without it being a problem. Outside of those scenes, I prefer to NOT have to deal with that kind of attention at all. So yeah, tomboy it is, even if I do end up looking like I'm wearing all my husband's clothes (oh, wait, I am).

I'd like to find a happy medium somewhere. I think I was finding it some the last time I lost weight. I'd managed to be sort of comfortable in more fitted tees and jeans for a brief period before I got pregnant again and gained back all the weight.

Honestly, maybe it will be easier now that my body is shaped a little differently. I definitely have more of a "mom" body now, after 2 kids. My shape is still pretty hourglass-y, but not nearly as extreme as when I was younger, so maybe it won't get the same unwanted attention that it did when I was in my teens and 20s.

Anyways, if you followed this brain dump, sorry for being all over the place with it. I have a lot percolating around in there about body image, and I'm sure this won't be my last post on the topic. I feel like I'm of multiple minds about it all, and none of them agree with each other! grrrrr.