Ugh. Why does my brain do this?

Having a fat day. Fat and GRUMPY.

I don't understand how one day I can feel pretty good about the way I'm looking (in clothes) and the next just feel like a blob.

Maybe it's because not only is the weight loss showing, but my skin is starting to really show what it is NOT going to do in the process. Namely, tighten up with any sort of uniformity.

So I'm looking OK in clothes, but naked things are just not making me happy. Weird bulges and wrinkles and rolls that aren't really rolls. VERY saggy boobies and strange ripples on my knees. And really? It seems like it's just all sort of started happening in the last couple of weeks.

Now, between 2005 and 2007, I lost about 100 pounds (before I gained it back and then some). That wasn't that long ago... and while things were a little bit flabby, it was nothing like this. Yes, I had another baby in there too, but seriously??? *sigh*

So, yeah. Fat day. Grumpy day. Not hungry at all this morning, so HUNGRY day this afternoon. I guess it's good that we don't have a ton of food in the house right now, because I was limited on binge-able foodstuffs. We don't ever keep junk food around, but usually there's SOMETHING I can over-indulge in. Not so much today.

2.5 cups of lowfat cottage cheese..... LOL

Now I feel all distended and weird (but not stuck, cottage cheese definitely is a slider food), and lame for binging. And oddly, even lamer for not even being able to get a 'real' binge on.

Of course it's also been one of those days where the children blatantly ignore or throw fits at EVERYTHING I ask them to do/not do, so it's been fun all the way around.

And I'm caught in a catch-22 for this evening. I have the opportunity to go to a Girls' Night thing and get some much needed adult socializing in....

However, said Girls' Night is also being billed as an evening of cake, cookies, ice cream, wine, cheese, and other assorted culinary delights evils.

Argh.

/whiny rant

Chicken week!

I forgot to mention a couple of things in my last long and drawn-out post. ;)

I think I've mentioned before that we are really trying to start pinching our budget. I have been able to get all our shopping done weekly for under $100/week for a while now, but it's not always easy. That's not just food, it includes household supplies like TP, laundry soap, and toiletries too.

This week, we had to pinch a bit tighter, and I had to try to get it all in under $80. Fortunately, we didn't need any big ticket items this week, so I managed to only go a few dollars over budget.

I went searching for healthy cheap meals, and I ran across this page and decided to give it a shot!

5 dinners (with leftovers), 1 chicken.

We have a family of four to serve instead of two, so I bought one whole chicken and three HUGE breasts that were on sale for $1.00/pound.

First night - roasting the chicken.

My husband roasts a damn fine chicken, so I left this task to him. He was home and I was in class yesterday afternoon, so it worked out well on that front too. However, he completely missed the part where I told him to roast it with potatoes and carrots and onions. He remembered having a conversation about all of that, but apparently thought I'd said NOT to cook them. Spouses (spice?) and their selective hearing, sigh.

We ate all the dark meat and a little of the white meat. Lots and lots of leftover chicken.

Tonight, night 2 - Chicken Picadillo

OMG YUM! I wish I had run across this recipe when I was coming off mushies, it would have been great for a transition food. I was able to eat WAY too much, though. I stopped myself at about 2 cups of food. Oops. The kids and my spouse loved it too. :)

I added a little garam masala to our black beans too. Very tasty.



Tomorrow, White Chicken Chili

I think I will modify it a bit to use green chiles instead of the jalapeño so the kids will scarf it down too. Or maybe a bit of both. I forgot to tell the spouse not to eat the cheese in the fridge, so he and the smallest one ate it today. I will have to use a bit of the change in my purse to pick up some more. :|

Maybe tomorrow I'll take a pic of the meal. Maybe not. heh

I am going to be exploring more frugal healthy cooking options like this plan. The key is keeping the spouse out of the leftover chicken. He eats more than I used to, which is saying something. So basically I have to make sure any meal serves a true 4 - 6 people. 1.5 servings for me and the girls combined, and the rest for him. Fortunately he likes healthy food too, so getting him to eat my cooking isn't a hardship. :)

Crazy but manageable, I think...

... my new schedule, that is.

I'm done with the school portion of my week, and it went OK.

Monday I felt very intimidated by setting foot in a classroom again after so long, and a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing.

Wednesday was a little better. Though I have discovered that I have completely forgotten all useful math, which means my Chem work is going to take FOREVER until I de-rust the gears in my head. I am underwhelmed by my Philosophy instructor. What IS it about so many Philosophy/Ethics folks that they have these I-am-SO-much-more-intelligent-than-EVERYONE egos. Socially I know several folks who majored in these studies, and they all have that going on. My instructor is no different. Very condescending to most of the class, and very full of himself. Mildly amusing, though, so I shouldn't be too bored. ;)

I would have taken Ethics instead, but the only instructor who had spaces in her class is someone I see regularly out socially, at parties and such. I felt that perhaps it would defeat the spirit of the class to enroll in it. *laugh*

My younger daughter had her first day at pre-pre-school on Monday, and it was a mixed bag for her. She isn't used to being in childcare for more than a couple of hours at a time (at the gym), so she had some unhappy moments. She does say she wants to go back, which is good.

Older daughter is doing OK at her school. We're still hoping to hear from the other charter school within the next week or so, as I think that environment would be better for her, and her opportunities for being challenged would be better there. I think her teacher at this school doesn't quite know what to do with her. She, like me and like her dad, is already a voracious reader. Her teacher is sending her home with sight words, even though I thought I was clear on what her level was currently. hrm.

She's only a little bit ahead in math, so I have mixed emotions about potentially moving her up a grade. *sigh* I don't know, I guess we'll wait and see how it goes after another week or two.

Ok, ok... on to my banded progress.....

This week's scale reading was a surprising 2.6 lbs down~! YAY!!

I think that reaching Onederland is totally doable by next Thursday (need a 1.6# loss to do it). I really feel that the exercise is making a big difference here.

My restriction has been hit-or-miss. I really have to continue to make an effort to SLOW DOWN and CHEW, especially at dinner time. At least one more fill is definitely in order, but I'm managing OK for the time being.

I played a little catchup on your blogs, but didn't make it through all of the backlog. However, I MUST use some of this time today for work and homework, so off to my inept math for Chem for at least an hour or so for me!! :)

Hey, maybe there's something to this exercise thing...

So, two weeks back on track with exercise, and the scale decided to show me some love today! 5 pounds down from last week, which leaves me at a net 2 pounds per week over the last 3 weeks. Yay! Also, it gets me to 20 down since my surgery!

I'm not looking for the huge losses because my body was already well into the slower metabolism before my banding. So 2/week is better than I could expect! And this week was a total shocker considering that this is typically the worst week of the month to weigh, heh.

I did not make the Zumba class on Sunday, due to poor nap timing by my younger daughter. I'll give it a shot this coming Sunday. I did get in 4 days at the gym two weeks in a row, which is great for me. My muscles are starting to remember what weight training is all about. ;)

The first week of school seems to have gone well for my older daughter, and I start my classes on Monday. Hopefully I can keep up the gym plan within our new more rigorous schedule. Tuesdays will be easy, Thursdays I'll have to go before I hit a coffee shop with my laptop to work, Sundays will be Zumba, and then I'll have to pick another day (Friday or Saturday) to get in a fourth day. Probably Friday morning after I drop my girl off at school, but before I pick her up. Fridays are half-days at her school, so I'll have to get it in quick.

Off to play some more blog catch-up and maybe squeeze in a little work before my spouse and the girlie get home from school!

At the starting line...

... before my household gets turned upside down.

We're getting prepped over here to really shake things up starting tomorrow. My oldest is about to head to school for the first time. She's 6 and a half and was homeschooled for kindergarten, but begged me to go to school this year. So, we put in applications at a few local charter schools, but fell in love with one in particular. Several of our friends have kids in this school, so we know it's good and a great match for our oddball little family.

However, we've been on the waiting list for it all summer long. We got a call from one of the other schools saying she had gotten a place in that school, and she would need to start on August 16th at the latest (it's a year-round school, so their 'year' started in July). I've been holding my breath that our favored school call, but nope. She's up to 3rd on their waiting list, but we can't take a chance that she won't get in and lose the spot in this other school. So, off she goes tomorrow to the school she did get into. For now.

After the preferred school starts classes, there is a pretty good shot that she'll get in within the first two weeks of school. So yeah, then we'll move her - with all the drama and upheaval that will come with that. And a whole round 2 of expensive school supplies (which I just spent my last dime for the week on yesterday).

***

MY classes start next Monday, the 23rd. I am 37 years old and starting over with college, which is both exciting and nervewracking. I've run my own business from home for about 14 years now, so this is a huge shift. Hopefully the time I have to spend on it will be enough, at least at this point. I've got to really have the grades, or I'm going to be screwed on getting the Nursing classes I need next semester. After this semester, I'll be pretty much out of classes that do not need departmental approval (because I already had most of my core courses from way back when), so this semester's got to rock so I can keep going.

Between my spouse's crazy new schedule -- Sat/Sun/Mon/Tue days -- we aren't going to need much childcare for the little one (who's just shy of 3 years old). Just on Mondays. I'm torn between sending her to the little preschool across the street or having someone come to our home to watch her. Home care would be cheaper, but she might enjoy playing with some other kids. It's going to be a long day for her, though, in school. She's by far my child that does better with some solo play time. She enjoys other kids, but also really enjoys playing on her own. *sigh*
I guess I'll think about it this week and see what I can do.

***

I REALLY need to stay off the scale between weigh-ins. It's very frustrating to watch the scale bounce around during the week.

No. Scale. Until. Thursday.

So I keep telling myself.

I'm going to give the Zumba class at the gym a try this afternoon. Hopefully it'll be a good workout and I won't fall on my prodigious rear end (more than once or twice, heh).

I may have to cave and pick up a couple more pair of workout capris soon. The few I have are either too big or getting holes in inappropriate places after years of wear (all along the rollercoaster ride of gain-lose). Grrrr, I do hate spending money on clothes mid-loss. ;)

Two steps forward and one step back...

Well, it appears I'm not past my halfway point anymore. heh

Either my body is hanging on to a lot of liquid (possible, it's Texas and wicked hot, and I haven't been keeping up as I should with my water intake), or I was naughtier than I thought with my food intake while out of town and over my birthday weekend (also possible). Or a combination.

Regardless, this is my weigh-in day, and what I weigh is 3 pounds up from last Thursday. Le sigh. ;)

I'm not as bummed about this as I probably ought to be, mostly because I have a feeling it will peel back off in the next week or two.

I am going to start tracking my food again, though, as I'm actually concerned that my regular daily intake is not getting in enough. Especially enough protein. I probably ate too much during a couple of our restaurant outings, but my day-to-day eating from home food has been really erratic. So, back to logging to see what's up. I've tried re-introducing more whole grain carbs (just a couple of bites with dinners), but maybe I need to rethink that for a while.

I had a couple more stuck episodes this week too, both on chicken. This upsets me because chicken is such a protein staple. I guess I'll just have to make sure I cut it up REALLY small when I eat it, and do more in the way of chicken salads or chicken with black beans.

Oh, I did start back to the gym on Monday -- YAY, it's about time!! 40 min on the elliptical and upper body weights on Monday, 30 min on the elliptical and lower body weights on Tuesday. Yesterday and today? Owch, my body is informing me that it had been too long and now I ache all over. However, it's back to the gym today and I know I'll loosen up after the first 10 min of cardio or so.

I discovered that my gym does offer Zumba classes, so maybe it will work out that I can squeeze in a class regularly after school starts. I'd like to add something different in there to mix things up some. I also found out that a local tribal belly dance group (that's taught by some long-term friends of mine) is taking newbie students again. So I really hope that can work in with my crazy schedule this fall.

Ah, I did say I would try to post some pics from the birthday night, didn't I?

Well, I'm not posting any full body shots, because I somehow managed to wear a top that completely exposed my red bra underneath every time the flash went off on a camera. SeXXXay, right? heheheh Yeah, not so much.

But here is one with my cheesy grin in full effect. The lovely lady with me (in the purple specs - mine are red) is my friend for life who was banded with me. Damn, I love that girl!

Birthday weekend shenanigans

Tomorrow is my 37th birthday, and every year I make a point of doing something big. I'm mostly an extrovert, so my big deal is to get as many of my friends as I can together to do something fun and silly. Because I have young kids and a limited budget, my social life is very erratic usually. On Tuesday, I took my kids up to Dallas to stay with my folks, and I visited there too for a couple of days and came back to Austin solo yesterday afternoon.

My spouse and I got some much needed alone time, and used one of the deep-discount dining certificates he gets at work to go out to eat. My parents like to go out to eat as well, so I've had some practice over the last few days with managing the restaurant scene.

We went to Austin Land and Cattle (which is a local place, not the Texas Land and Cattle chain), and I think I did OK. I still don't have much restriction, so I totally ate more than I should have, but it wasn't too bad. Two little nibbles of their awesome bread before I pushed the basket all the way over to M's side of the table. heheh

We split a seared Ahi tuna appetizer that was absolutely melt-in-your-mouth divine. He ordered the MASSIVE ribeye, and I ordered a grilled chicken breast with poblano cream sauce (on the side). I asked for extra veggies instead of the mashed potatoes, and the server brought me a metric ton of carrots, spinach, and broccoli.
I ate a few bites of M's ribeye (SO good!) and one of my chicken breasts. A bite or two of veggies and I was done. AND I have another whole delicious chicken meal waiting for me in the fridge today!

I did indulge in a cocktail for the first time in months. I think I was able to eat more because I had to sip on that thing through dinner to get it in without it knocking me on my ass. So yummy, though. Maker's Mark bourbon with lime and Grand Marnier does indeed make for a tasty Side Car.

Nominally, that cocktail was a test run so I could get a feel for my tolerance before tonight's festivities. Let's just say I have almost NO tolerance, and I will be VERY cautious about what I imbibe this evening, and how much.

Tonight we'll be heading to Phara's for mediterranean food and to watch belly dancers. Another deep-discount cert will take $100 off our whole party's bill (I think there are about 15 people coming to the dinner part of the evening), so it's well within budget. :D

After Phara's, we'll hit Austin Karaoke! This place is one where you reserve a big-ass room with your own huge screen and karaoke machine - it's pretty affordable when everyone pays for themselves ($5 per person per hour). It's a private room, so it's all us, not shared with the general public. It's BYOB, and we'll have coolers and ice and cups and such. I've done karaoke here for my birthday for the last two years. Before that, I had one regular house party here in Austin, and then had the karaoke thing going in Dallas for a couple of the years that we lived there. Usually about 40-60 people show up over the course of the evening, and it's really a great time. Lots of silly singing, dancing, flirting, kissing, and general mayhem.

Oh yes, I also insist that anyone attending be bedecked in some sort of shiny/sparkly/snazzy/sexy/shimmery attire. Tiaras, boas, sequins, glitter, etc., are all encouraged. I like to see my friends looking spectacular, and they do it so well! *grin*

I'm afraid that my attire this evening may not be up to snuff. I'm in a sort of 'dead zone' in my wardrobe right now. I have a whole lot of stuff in the 18/20 range, and a whole lot of stuff in the 13/14 range. But not a heck of a lot in a size 16. 16s are slightly too big for me right now, but my 13/14 stuff is still at least 10-20 pounds away from fitting comfortably.

So, I'm not sure what to wear, and I'm not buying anything. I'll come up with something.


Hopefully, I can keep my eating to an enjoyable level of moderation, and the alcohol intake to a minimum. I do, however, plan on maximizing my fun! hehehe

Maybe I'll have a few pics to share afterwards.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend!!

Stuck, ack!! And halfway there!

Hrm. I'm not sure what to think about the lack of comments on my last post. I know I am coming from a slightly different place than a lot of bandsters are, but I was hoping it wasn't too far out there. Because let me tell ya, the feeling of failure that we've all experienced when falling off the weight-loss wagon REALLY sucks when you've dropped 80-100 pounds - gotten within 15-20 of goal, and then gained it ALL back (and then some). More than once. I think maybe that's why I'm not as excited this time with my loss. Some part my brain is convinced that this is just another trip on the rollercoaster. Bleh.


So, on to the stuck. I think I've had a few almost-stuck feelings before, but this one was really unpleasant. 2 bites of chicken breast yesterday afternoon and OW! OW! OW! And it didn't go away like the almost-stuck feelings. This was the first time I had the sliming too. Eventually it went away, and I didn't bring anything back up, but I probably should have tried to, or at least spit out the slime, because I think swallowing it made things worse. I haven't had a PB yet, and I don't want to do so, but I guess it's in the cards for the future at some point. :\


Weigh-in today put me four pounds down for the week. VERY surprising considering I didn't manage to get in much real exercise at all, despite my best intentions. So, that puts me two pounds below my halfway point. Yay!

Next week I'll be at the gym every day M-F, as my oldest has a week of rock climbing and swimming day camp over there. So hopefully that will get my lazy fanny back on track. And once the work schedule for my spouse's job is finalized, I can plan the fall's gym plan accordingly.

Hope everyone's week has been going well! I've been trying to read and comment every day, but I have to play a little catchup because the girls and I are at my mom's for a couple of days. :)

I wasn't fat enough.

.... apparently.

I have been trying to keep my banding on the down-low for a variety of reasons, but one of them is that I didn't want to get grief for getting it done. Specifically, the why would I get it done "at YOUR size?!?"

See, I know a lot of women who are, or have been, much larger than my starting size of 18/20, or my starting weight of 268. Some of them have undergone WLS of their own over the years, others have not. But most of them have expressed envy at one point or another for my size.

But that doesn't mean I wasn't fat enough to consider WLS myself. At least I don't think so. My weight has gone up and down and up and down and up and down (etc., you get the picture) over the years, but has only dipped below 200 pounds once since my early 20s.

Yes, I did lose a good bit of the weight before my actual surgery date. I certainly would never have qualified for surgery approval if I had started out at my surgery date weight. But just because I *CAN* lose the weight on my own doesn't mean that the band wasn't for me.

I can lose weight without the band.

I've done it....

over, and over, and over again.

I just can't keep it off, obviously. For me, getting the band was finally saying to myself that I was willing to have help. That a tool to make the yo-yo finally stop was something I wanted. Not only the big rollercoaster ups and downs, but the smaller ones that always happen while I'm losing weight. I want this weight to not only come off this time, but to STAY off for once (and for all).

So the idea that I've just jumped on something popular (WLS in general, I don't know many other bandsters, mostly bypass/sleeve patients) makes me really sad. I'm not just following a trend here, I soul-searched long and hard before deciding to get the band.

Maybe the folks that have been talking about my surgery with disdain really didn't realize that I was as heavy as I was, late last year or at any other point when I've gotten close to that weight. I do tend to become really reclusive when my weight gets past a certain point. Maybe they didn't know that I really was carrying 120 pounds of excess me around, again. Maybe they don't think that my 150 pound goal is a reasonable weight for my height (just a hair over 5'6"), or something.

I don't know, but I do know that I hate feeling like I have to justify myself or my decision. Just because I don't/didn't have two or three hundred pounds to lose doesn't/didn't make me any less a good candidate for WLS, especially this WLS. The band isn't going to do this for me, but I sure hope it will help me do it for the long haul.

Self-image

I just commented on a thread about self-image on LBT that's got me thinking on this again. I'm going to cross-post some of it here and then some, to get it all out of my head for a bit.

I remember feeling fat in a size 14, size 12, even though I can't wait to get back in those sizes now.

I look in the mirror and still see the same thing I saw 58 pounds ago. I'm not sure when the difference will click, but it's definitely not yet.

I still hate the way I look in photos, and can't see a difference there either. Fat arms, fat face, etc. Sure, the clothes are getting baggier and the number on the scale is getting smaller. But my brain is still stuck where it was. boo.

Not long ago, I found a Weight Watchers food/weigh-in log from when I was about 19 -- and at my smallest weight ever as an adult. I was 163 pounds, and obviously, those 13 pounds were way too many and I still saw myself as fat then.

I hope that someday I can wrap my brain around myself as a woman who is NOT overweight. That's something I've never been, even though I've been close.

Making the changes in my diet and relationship with food hasn't been TOO rough. Making changes in my relationship with my body may well be the hardest part of this whole thing for the long haul.

I'm one of those weirdos that doesn't like getting the attention from guys. Not at all, unless I am specifically in a setting where that is expected, like a bar or non-family-friendly party. So, the smaller I get, the more likely I am to wear too-big t-shirts and my spouse's button-ups as topshirts. I get more "butch" the slimmer I become, and it's always been like that. I have had people ask me if I have past abuse issues or the like that make me so avoidant of the male attention.

Nope. I just don't know how to say no to it. I went through periods in my past when the way I dealt with male attention was to be more promiscuous. Now, I know that's actually a common thing that happens to some people when they lose a lot of weight. I don't want to go back to that, it was unsatisfying in many ways. But I don't know how to gracefully flirt without the promise of it leading somewhere. So I just try to avoid the situation altogether. Getting dolled up to go to a bar or club with friends or my spouse is one thing, that I can do for some reason without it being a problem. Outside of those scenes, I prefer to NOT have to deal with that kind of attention at all. So yeah, tomboy it is, even if I do end up looking like I'm wearing all my husband's clothes (oh, wait, I am).

I'd like to find a happy medium somewhere. I think I was finding it some the last time I lost weight. I'd managed to be sort of comfortable in more fitted tees and jeans for a brief period before I got pregnant again and gained back all the weight.

Honestly, maybe it will be easier now that my body is shaped a little differently. I definitely have more of a "mom" body now, after 2 kids. My shape is still pretty hourglass-y, but not nearly as extreme as when I was younger, so maybe it won't get the same unwanted attention that it did when I was in my teens and 20s.

Anyways, if you followed this brain dump, sorry for being all over the place with it. I have a lot percolating around in there about body image, and I'm sure this won't be my last post on the topic. I feel like I'm of multiple minds about it all, and none of them agree with each other! grrrrr.

Followers, can I follow you too?

For the life of me, I can't seem to figure out how to follow the folks who are following me.

I mean, if you comment, then I can find your blog, but doesn't bring that same info up when I click on the photo in the widget. I can see the OTHER blogs you're following, but not tell what your blog is. Boo!

I'm sure I'm just missing something. D'oh.


So.... I'd love it if you'd comment here with your blog address so I can be sure I have you added so I can follow your blog too.